AMP - The Connection Toolbox Abridged -- 6 Practices for Deeper Connection

The ABRIDGED Connection Toolbox 6 Tools For Deep Connection

Authors Bryan Bayer, AMP co-founder

Decker Cunov, AMP co-founder

Note: This is only a partial version of the full "Connection Toolbox: The Top 12 Practices For Deep

Connection" When you order the full Getting Her World Program, youll receive the remaining 6 practices: * Get Shared Reality * Reference Earlier Theme * Set Context * Play a Game * Explore Dissonance * Genuine Curiosity For more information and to order, go to: http://GettingHerWorld.com

OVERVIEW OF THE CONNECTION PRACTICES:

Like an NBA basketball player drills on the basics to make art in the moment, or a martial artist trains in particular moves, these Connection Practices are your chops for creating deep connection and rewarding interactions. As you practice your chops, youll find yourself putting these pieces together, doing combo-moves, and eventually weaving them like a symphony, and as they become second-nature to you, youll find yourself making ART in your interactions!

THIS IS AN OVERVIEW, NOT A COMPREHENSIVE MANUAL I could write for days about these practices, but the bottom line is that most of this stuff is NOT best learned from reading about it. Read through the practices, pick a couple to explore for a few days, and give it a shot even if youre not completely sure how it will land, and then adjust from there. But first, Im going to share with you an article I wrote a couple years ago for our AMP Inner Circle Members that demonstrates several of these practices in a fun interaction I had with a woman at a house party. Im sharing this story with you to show you:

1) How these Connection Practices apply in a real-world situation even with a woman whos pretty feisty!

2) That this isnt just a Decker-only skill I didnt always relate to women like this, but I learned it, Decker learned it, and YOU can learn this, too.

And since Im an uber-geek about this stuff, Ill break down the stages of the AMP Holarchy and the AMP Connection Practices as they come into play during the interaction and note them in Blue.

Intense First Encounter

At a house party I noticed a woman -- she was petite, small features, short curly brown hair, and cute but looked tense and hard somehow. We happened to make eye contact, and I found myself playing with her wordlessly, making faces at her, exaggerating my expression, while maintaining eye contact Me: Hi! Her: >defiantly> Oh, you dont wanna have a staring contest with ME Ill win. Me: Oh yeah?

And so it begins we square off, and sure enough, this girl can hold her own. [Connection Practice: Playing a Game] I step closer to amp up the intensity, so were almost nose-to-nose now, full, unblinking eye contact, in silence I can feel people in the party out of the corner of my eye starting to look at us, like, What are they DOING? After about 30 seconds, Im feeling tired of this challenger gameIm ready to change things up a bit. Me: Im noticing I want to feel more of a connection with you, than competition with you (Express a Desire [Integrity]) Her: What do you mean? Me: (Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Me: Well, It feels like were two plus signs Me: And Im wanting to feel more of a circuit of connection (Express a Desire [Integrity]) Her: Me: So I could soften, and be more yin, more receptive Her: Me: cause youre SURE as hell not gonna let go (celebrating her resistance to opening upthis is fun! - Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Her: Damn straight! Me: Oh, I see the times when youve let someone in youve been hurt. (PRESENCE, APPRECIATION of Shared Humanity between us Offer Reflection [Appreciation]) Her: Multiple times. Me: So youve hardened yourself with a shell

Me: to make sure it never happens again Me: WowI can feel you softening now it feels really good (Share Impact [Appreciation]) Her: Stop it! Me: Its beautiful, your opening (technically not owning my truth, but this is just what came out) Her: STOP IT! Me: Do you really mean that? Seems to me you WANT to be seen (Exploring Dissonance [Integrity]) Me: But its scary Her: I dont even KNOW you. Why the hell should I trust YOU? Me: Good question. Youve got no reason to trust me, do you? We just met. (APPRECIATION & INTEGRITYRemaining Composed, being a YES to her test/resistance Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Her: Whoah. Youre good. Every other guy Ive said that to argues with me, tries to convince me why I should trust him Who ARE you? Where are you from? Her: How old are you? Im probably too old for you (shes getting a little wound up, not quite sure what to do with herselfits adorable) Me: Lets slow down for a moment, and just breathe together for a second (Offer Direction [Integrity]) We had a fun adventure from here on out

NOW, YOU CAN REFERENCE EACH POINT IN THE STORY WITH THE PRACTICE THAT WAS BEING APPLIED

Plus, we've gone meticulously through every segment of the Getting Her World Program and listed examples of where each of these practices is demonstrated, in the moment, with time codes. So if you're looking to train in a particular practice, you can simply skip to those spots and watch example after example.

Offer Reflection

PART OF THE HOLARCHY: APPRECIATION

OVERVIEW

My friend and former AMP Facilitator Guy Sengstock is fond of saying, You cant see your own eyeball. The power of Offering Reflection is that we get to give someone the gift of themselves, through our eyes. Its a generous way of living in the world. Man, theres a lot that I could say about this practice. Ill cover some of the main points:

OFTEN CONFUSED WITH GIVING COMPLIMENTS Offering reflection can be confused with giving compliments, and theyre very different in that theres no inherent EVALUATION inside of offering a reflection, as opposed to compliments, which are generally positive. Whereas the goal of a compliment Youre great Youre pretty You are very generous is usually to make someone feel good, the goal(more an opportunity, really) of Offering Reflection is to have them feel uniquely seen -- and to speak to the deeper layers of BEING, to that persons ESSENCE.

EXAMPLE OF OFFERING REFLECTION This is an excerpt from a blog post written by a girl who Id recently met -- she calls me Caleb for anonymity purposes. It demonstrates the power of Offering Reflection over Giving Compliments: -------------- "You have the most beautiful eyes, DOES NOT BEAT: "You know what I like about you. You have no filter. You say what you want to say and it's not awkward or mean. It's just what you want to say." THIS is what Caleb said. "Your skin is like...porcelain," DOES NOT BEAT: "Have you always been this innocent? This full of wonder?" THIS is what Caleb said. Written down--maybe the innocent thing sounds cheesy, untrue, a ridiculous exaggeration. But honestly, I am innocent. I am full of wonder. Despite all the men, despite all the threesomes, despite the recent broken heart, despite the BDSM and the orgies and the strapons--I'm innocent. I'm full of wonder. I look at this world I'm in and created for myself and I'm like--ahh. Wonderful. These are things that Caleb said. Because he was responding to what I was giving him. ---------------- Its not so much the words as the flavor behind the wordshopefully this helps clarify the tone of Offering Reflection Offering Reflection isnt inherently positive or negative Ive offered reflection that most people might consider negative, yet they felt seen, and we felt closer as a result.

TO A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, I OFFERED THIS REFLECTION -- NOT NECESSARILY GOOD OR BAD:

You know, my experience of you is that you have no morals. It seems that theres a part of you that actually doesnt care about ANY of this. And while that has me concerned about whether you have my best interests in mind, I also find you incredibly trustable, because since you ARE so unplugged from needing anyone to feel good about you or to like you, it frees you up to say WHATEVER is really true for you and THAT is something I find really trustable about you. So, as you can see, it doesn't have to be all positive. And you can see that I mixed in Offering Reflection with Sharing Impact they go really well together. There are different types of offering reflection, as well. Here are a couple:

TYPES OF OFFERING REFLECTION Emotional-Summary Reflections Feeling into the emotional sentiment behind someones words, and offering the emotional summary of what theyre sharing. Example: Someones talking fondly, longingly about their deceased Dad, sharing story after story the Emotional-Summary Reflection might be, What I'm getting is that you really love and miss your Dad... This is powerful for helping people bottom-line what they're trying to say, and reflect that back to them so they know you get it. Acknowledgement An acknowledgement is an especially powerful type of reflection, often woven in with the practice of Sharing Impact the impact and contribution that theyve had on you and your life. In our AMP/AuthenticWorld community, we often honor people at their birthdays with an acknowledgement circle, where we share our experience of them, and who they are for us in our lives. Example: Garrison, I want to acknowledge you for the idea for Getting Her World, and your level of attention to detail that has it being as professionally produced as it is. Even as I feel crazy when we spend too much time working together, I've really enjoyed this project with you. I feel honored to have worked with you on this, and proud to have you and this program represent us and our work. And, there are more types Speaking The Moment is specific practice thats a form of Offering Reflection as well Regardless of the type, one important consideration about Offering Reflection is this:

BE WILLING TO BE HAVE YOUR REFLECTION NOT MATCH UP WITH THEIR EXPERIENCE OF THEMSELVES

Be open to being totally OFF about their experience, and willing to co-explore it with them. If their experience REALLY doesnt match yours, this is where the practice of EXPLORING INCONGRUITY is useful (covered later in this guide)

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH OFFERING REFLECTION:

I find myself Offering Reflection ALL the time, with lots of people in my life. My friend Kal has even commented on it, offering ME the reflection that I tend to Offer Reflection a lot! And, one of the super-powers of our AMP Intensives and our unique circling methodology is that we offer a LOT of reflection. This tends to take people deeper into their OWN experience, and deepens the level of trust between us when they know that were tracking what its like to be THEM, and they often feel safer to go much deeper than they otherwise would.

GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Exploring Incongruity Sharing Impact

DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD (http://GettingHerWorld.com):

In the bonus video, Intersubjective Meditation Practice, Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP women) go deeply into Offering Reflection, Sharing Impact, Exploring Incongruity, and Speaking the Moment, facilitated by Decker an awesome example of these practices.

Other good examples:

In Segment 18 of Getting Her World Decker tells Karina, Youre like most guys dream girl. And goes on to share why

In Segment 4, Decker reflects to Jennifer his experience of how she tends to override her resistance at times

Other Examples: Karina segment 3 (0:54), 4 (0:53, 1:03, 2:11) 5 (0:55, 1:51), 6 (1:23), 7 (1:04), 8 (2:05), 9 (3:00), 11 (2:57), 14 (0:56), 15 (2:54), 16 (0:57, 1:58, 2:23, 4:35), 17 (0:38, 1:45), 18 (0:24, 2:27), 19 (0:41), 23 (4:24), 24 (3:03, 5:11), 25 (0:44), 27 (4:10, 5:33), 32 (4:38), 33 (3:05), 36 (4:10) Jennifer segment 1 (4:41, 14:06), 2 (1:11, 1:28), 3 (:20, 2:36), 4 (:37, 1:16, 2:57), 5 (4:05), 9 (1:13), 10 (2:54, 5:43), 18 (3:20), 21 (2:45, 4:18, 7:12) Kendra segment 2 (1:02, 1:18), 4 (2:11), 5 (0:53), 6 (3:44)

Share Impact


OVERVIEW Ok, this one is key, which is why I made a whole video about it on the blog -- http://blog.gettingherworld.com/?p=15 When youre getting another persons world, youre asking questions (often lots of them), to clarify and flesh out what their world is like. Whenever I do this with women Ive first met, they sometimes get a little bristly, like, What, are you trying to psychoanalyze me? And while I might joke with them at first (Embrace Resistance, right) Yes, Im checking to see how crazy you are, if theyre still wary, Ill Share My Desire that my reason for asking questions is that Im wanting to understand what its like to be them Its actually two parts The first part is being willing to ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE IMPACTED. This means being willing to feel what shes feeling. Embrace intense sensations and emotions (the FULL RANGE) actually LEAN INTO THEM, relish them, savor them retrain your habitual patterns of recoiling from intensity (whether its to plow through, dissociate, or withdraw) learn to stay present with intensity. The second part is to SHARE THAT IMPACT As I mention in the video, this is an important part of balancing the relationship between you and the person whose world you are getting. Without it, you may come off as a therapist, and end up in more of a facilitator role rather than someone youre co-exploring a connection with. The steps are listed on the blog post, as I mentioned, and its illustrated with clips from the Getting Her World Program, so I will only go into them briefly here: Step 1: Notice What it's like to be with YOURSELF -- what's the flavor? Sensations, emotions, etc... Step 2: Notice what it's like to be with THEM -- what's the flavor? Sensations, emotions, etc... Step 3: Find the difference between how you feel with YOURSELF, and how you feel with THEM Step 4: SHARE with them the impact that they are having on you.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:

Ive found that the more I share the impact theyre having on me, the talking about stuff level of conversation drops away, and in its place is an in-the-moment exploration -- What am I noticing? What are you noticing? What shows up in the space of us, together?

GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES:

Share Desire (when theyre wondering why youre asking lots of questions )

DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD (http://GettingHerWorld.com): In the Intersubjective Meditation Practice, Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP women) go deeply into offering reflection, sharing impact, and speaking the moment, facilitated by Decker an awesome example of these practices. This is an extra bonus youll receive when you purchase Getting Her World. Other Examples:

Jennifer segments 5 (4:13), 11 (2:05), 14 (1:40), 21 (0:44) Karina segments 3 (2:38), 5 (1:05), 6 (1:35, 2:14), 7 (1:16. 1:32, 2:14), 9 (2:32, 3:33), 10 (0:31), 13 (0:19, 1:05), 14 (1:04), 15 (3:05), 22 (0:44), 23 0:44), 26 (2:15), 27 (2:24), 29 (2:03), 30 (1:34) Kendra segments 6 (6:50, 10:11), 8 (2:45), 11 (2:29), 13 (4:26)

Embrace Resistance


THE PRACTICE:

Whenever her closure/protections/resistance/defenses come up, its often a sign that she wants to open up deeper, and is checking to see if its really safe to do so. This protection may show up as testing (jabs, attacks, coldness, defiance, anger, challenge) or withdrawal and silence. So, how to respond to it? Well, first, we recommend that you

DONT FREEZE HER OUT If her resistance is coming up, there are more artful ways of dealing with it than freezing her out -- aka punish by withdrawing attention as some assholish pickup artist wisdom propagates. Instead, we recommend you

BECOME A CONNOISSEUR OF HER RESISTANCE! The practice of Embracing Resistance in this case is to invite out and celebrate the resistance become a connoisseur of her resistance. Is it more of a tough girl energy? Or more withdrawn, aloof, cold? Or, is it jabby and abrasive, with an undertone of You dont really care about me anyway ? Whats the flavor, the texture, the shape of her resistance? In any case, theres an opportunity to explore, honor, and acknowledge this protective mechanism, its here for a reason. These mechanisms are designed to keep us safe, physically and emotionally, from potentially traumatic experiences. If we try to convince her, shame/belittle her, plow over it, or somehow get around it, were shortcutting a massive opportunity for Getting Her World (more intimacy, connection, juicy depth and richness etc.).

EXAMPLE OF EMBRACING RESISTANCE FROM THE HOUSE PARTY STORY Her: I dont even KNOW you. Why the hell should I trust YOU? Me: Good question. Youve got no reason to trust me, do you? We just met. (APPRECIATION & INTEGRITYRemaining Composed, being a YES to her test/resistance Embrace Resistance [Appreciation]) Her: Whoah. Youre good. Every other guy Ive said that to argues with me, tries to convince me why I should trust him Who ARE you? Where are you from? Part of the beauty of connecting in a way that Gets Her World is that if theres resistance, defensiveness, or guardedness, then THAT is what you connect with her about an acknowledgement of whats happening, IN THE MOMENT, including wherever she might be feeling closed, resistant, defensive. See other examples in Deckers interactions with Karina in the Getting Her World Program

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: I find this particular practice really easy, if shes being overtly hostile towards me. However, if her protective mechanism is one of dismissal or disdain, I tend to get triggered and reactive, and really have to watch my Composure in those moments.

Deckers the opposite. He can handle a woman being dismissive, but gets triggered if shes being shaming or hostile. So, it varies from person to person. What is the flavor of feminine resistance that triggers YOU? DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD (http://GettingHerWorld.com): Karina segments 9 (0:18) 11 (1:00) 15 (3:53) 16 1:04) 16 (4:42) 18 (0:57,

2:03) 24 (4:01)

Jennifer segments 3 (0:49) 8 (:43) 8 (1:57) 9 (:36) 10 (1:36) 13 (1:28) 14 (:28, 1:15)

Kendra segments 6 (2:32) 6 (3:13), 7 (3:02), 8 (0:11), 13 (2:50)

Offer Direction

PART OF THE HOLARCHY: INTEGRITY

OVERVIEW This is a fun one! This practice is about taking the lead, taking her on a ride, making her feel like a woman, or being the banks of the river for her to flow inside of, to paraphrase David Deida For me, this is about checking in with what Im wanting in the moment, then feeling into her, where shes at, and what SHEs wanting in the moment, then offering a direction that would have us feeling more love, closeness, connection, joy, aliveness whatever seems to be called for in the moment. It may look like

Lets play a game. Lets take a deep breath together Give me your hand. Lets go get some Thai food. Turn over. Lets get out of here.

Ive called it Offer Direction rather than Set Direction because at any given moment, while it may sound like Im issuing orders, Im actually doing simply that offering a direction, while staying totally open to a different course of action, depending on her response to what Ive just offered.

OFFERING DIRECTION CAN BE WORDLESS

if youre walking down the street together, you can be Offering Direction simply by steering her aroundI tend to take whatever bags shes holding as were walking together, to free her up, and then guide us, arm in arm.. Offering Direction wordlessly also shows up during sex, where youre directing her with your arms, your body, and your breathing

ITS OFTEN ARTFULLY COMBINED WITH OWNING A DESIRE By vulnerably sharing the intention behind your desire

I want you closercome sit by me. Im noticing Im wanting to see what happens if we relax out of words for awhile, and just be here in silence I want you out of those clothes as soon as possible. Come home with me.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Ive spent years cultivating this more masculine way of relating, and recently Ive backed off of it, I realized Id had it as that the guy HAS to be always the one setting direction and taking the lead but if you listen to the recent interview I did (Getting Bryans World a bonus for the Getting Her World release), Ive actually had some pretty profound breakthroughs recently around relaxing into TAKING DIRECTION, being willing to be led, and letting go of any dogma about how an interaction SHOULD be. Youll also see Decker be willing to TAKE DIRECTION in GHW when Jennifer ups the ante (Segment 16) in the Color Echo game Decker initially offers, by suggesting that it be a PSYCHIC Color Echo Game (much tougher!). And if Decker had decided, No, I am the man, Im the one whos setting direction, they would have missed out on the incredible psychic magic that emerged. So bottom line is, offering direction can be a fun, powerful way of taking the interaction to new, deep and exciting places but as soon as it becomes dogma (that you HAVE to do it), its less effective for joy, turn-on & connection, in my experience.

GOES WELL WITH OTHER PRACTICES: Own a Desire

DEMONSTRATED IN GETTING HER WORLD (http://GettingHerWorld.com): Jennifer segments 5 (3:28), 11 (2:50, 3:02) 20 (0:55)

Kendra segments 13 (0:50, 1:05, 2:45, 6:40)

14 (2:46, 4:05) - playing games, and Decker inviting her to let go and open deeper a very sweet and powerful pair of segments.

Explore Incongruity

PART OF THE HOLARCHY: INTEGRITY

OVERVIEW This practice is often used when she says one thing, but her body seems to be saying another thing. Some people would say this is the same as Calling Her Out, or Calling Bullshit, but one of the principles of AMP is Own Our Truth: We are not the authorities on another persons experience, only our own. So we are staying open to the possibility that we are completely OFF about our interpretation of their experience. At the same time, were not abandoning or ignoring our own experience, even if it doesnt match up with theirs. Calling someones defensive incongruence bullshit is not conducive to inviting out parts of us that are tender or vulnerable and these are the sweetest places to explore, in my experience! So, if theres a mismatch between what were experiencing and what theyre saying, it doesnt mean we let it slide. It also doesnt mean we have to use NVC (Non-Violent Communication)-style own-your-experience language, like Im noticing a difference between your experience and my own. You can put it into common-language. A simple, open-hearted and curious street-talk, Hmm, that doesnt fit for me can still be a playful way of Exploring Incongruity, without acting like we know what another persons experience is. This is a more advanced practice to do artfully, but this is ALSO often where well discover new things about each other that we never knew before-- exciting places!


Speaking the Moment Sharing Impact


Decker and Karina in Segment 9, where hes exploring the situation with the guy who picked her up in the club, whether she calmly told him, Im going to bite you Karina Segment 18, where he explores whether she actually WAS looking forward to being more available to receive acknowledgements

In the bonus video, Intersubjective Meditation Practice Garrison and Bodhi (one of our AMP women) go deeply into Exploring Incongruity in part 3 -- facilitated by Decker an awesome example of this practice.

Other Examples: Karina segments 5 (2:57) 6 (0:34), 9 (1:53, 7:21), 18 (1:02), 24 (1:38) (Not much of this practice with Kendra and Jennifer)

Share Vulnerably

PART OF THE HOLARCHY: WHOLENESS

OVERVIEW Sharing vulnerably is often used in conjunction with Sharing Impact. Its part of what balances the interaction from being a one-sided exploration of HER world only Ive included it as an aspect of Wholeness, because it requires us to be willing to expose ourselves, and be open to being judged, made wrong, or shamedand this is made possible through Wholeness --- being completely right with ourselves, and these vulnerable places.

WHEN ITS APPLIED Ive found that oftentimes Im content to explore HER world without even going into mine for a large part of the interaction AND, eventually it seems the conversation will naturally turn towards, What about you? Ive been doing all the talking here This is an opportunity for you to bring YOURSELF fully, to meet her (if not go deeper) in terms of the vulnerability of your sharing with her.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:

A lot of what I share in our articles, newsletters, interviews and blog posts are vulnerable stories about my challenges, edges, and fall-on-my-face failures in fact, I often open up our AMP Intensive courses by sharing my story of how that bastard Decker stole the ballet dancer Id fallen in love with. ;) All of this is in support of creating a space of safety to talk about whats real. Even at dinner parties or other social situations, Ill share whats most vulnerable for me at the moment, because it sets the tone for the night that it is actually OK here to talk about stuff you wouldnt normally be willing to talk about it creates a safe space

for real and authentic connection, that people can step into. A space of, Ok, wow, theres a lot of places this conversation could go.


Share Impact Own A Desire (when theyre wondering why youre asking lots of questions)


Jennifer segments 3 (1:27, 8:16), 4 (1:52), 5 (0:30), 16 (4:23, 6:10), 18 (0:49)

Karina segments 2 (0:22), 4(0:09), 12 (2:57), 15 (2:47), 17 (1:13), 23 (3:54), 27 (1:35), 31 (0:40), 34 (1:00) Kendra segments 16 (1:35)

Ok, thats it for this abridged version of the Connection Toolbox 6 practices:

Share Impact Offer Reflection Embrace Resistance Offer Direction Explore Incongruity Share Vulnerably

INVITATION: Pick 1 or 2 of the practices outlined here that appealed to you most, and take them on for the week apply them in your interactions see what turns up! If you order Getting Her World, you can post your results on the AMP Dojo, our interactive learning environment for Getting Her World.

Note: This is an abridged version of the full "Connection Toolbox: The Top 12 Practices

For Deep Connection" In the full version youll receive the remaining 6 practices, with examples of where they show up in the GHW Program, including:

Genuine Curiosity Reference Earlier Theme Set Context Play a Game Own a Desire Speak the Moment

And this is one of several free bonus youll receive with your order of the Getting Her World Program, found here: http://GettingHerWorld.com Legal notice All content copyright 2010 Authentic Man Program. All rights reserved. No part of this document or the related files may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise). Authentic Man Program is a trademark. Limit of Liability and Disclaimer of Warranty: The publisher has used its best efforts in preparing this book, and the information provided herein is provided as is. By reading this e-book you agree to all the following: you understand that this is simply a set of opinions (and not advice). This is to be used for entertainment, and not considered as professional advice. You are responsible for any use of the information in this e-book, and hold Authentic Man Program and all its members and affiliates in amnesty of any claim or event.

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AMP - The Connection Toolbox Abridged -- 6 Practices for Deeper Connection