Matt Buzonas

Adrenaline Junkie

Table of Contents

I. Soul Searching

Cowboy Killers 3

Rain Dance Waltz in e-flat minor 5

Rebel Trading Post 7

Blues Traveler, Runaround 9

II. Adrenaline Junkie

London, 2012 11

Fear and Loathing in the Desert 12

Casino El Camino 13

III. Desperado

Tankas at the Front Linesof the ________ War, 1——— 17

Villanelle for Madeline Morris,the Girl I Never Knew 18

Little Blue Walker 19

SOUL SEARCHING

Cowboy KillersI don’t know when I last felt I am my own man. Pressure keeps being piled up on me from my friends my professors my family myself to go out and succeed immediately. Problem is, this pressure’s petrified me, frozen in place, unwilling to make any choice at all. It takes everything in me not to crack. My solution? I have picked up smoking, to deal with this inability to choose my own adventure. And guess what? I feel more focused, more driven, I can take on the world if toxins embrace my lungs. Cigarette embers work their way through my soul. That scared me, at first. Five minutes of my life for lighting a little fire? Now, though, I know what the embers bring. And that, more than anything, is my greatest calm these days. I just hope that my choices don’t kill me first.

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I don’t know when I last felt I am my own man. Pressure keeps being piled up on me from my friends my professors my family myself to go out and succeed immediately. Problem is, this pressure’s petrified me, frozen in place, unwilling to make any choice at all. It takes everything in me not to crack. My solution? I have picked up smoking, to deal with this inability to choose my own adventure. And guess what? I feel more focused, more driven, I can take on the world if toxins embrace my lungs. Cigarette embers work their way through my soul. That scared me, at first. Five minutes of my life for lighting a little fire? Now, though, I know what the embers bring. And that, more than anything, is my greatest calm these days. I just hope that my choices don’t kill me first.

4

Rain Dance Waltz in e-flat minor

I.

My eyes are heavy.Yet if you drain them,their weight merely shiftsinside my heart.

Its weight is trainingthrough hell, holding me down as I try to trudgethrough life as thoughnothing affects me.

But everything affects me,from the loss of my fatherto the time I was called a nerdonce in fifth grade,forever branding my mental imagewith a lack of self-worth.

II.

Diamonds rain from the sky today.They seep through my clothesinto my bones

and for a moment,I’m worthsomething.

Drenched in jewels,I feel more alive nowin the building hypothermia

and finally,the coldjump-starts my heart.

The diamonds are so sharpI don’t even notice the cutsmassing over my body

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and I’m bleedingbut I don’t carebecause I’m feeling again.

III.

Spirit in the skyrain down the fireI long to consume.Waste my life away.

Rain down the fire,make me worth more dead.Waste my life away,crush my bones into solid diamond.

Make me worth more dead,Spirit in the sky.Crush me into solid diamondsthe world is longing to consume.

6

Rebel Trading Post

I remember now.There was a time whenwe all used booksas a form of currencywhich is furtherproof schoolsare prisons sometimes.

I remember.Fourth gradesaw Tolkien getswapped for Snicketonly to be loanedout for Lewis.Overnightthey were devoured,and explosions of lifeas dragons ofsmelliest gold lostsight of a shapeshifterat once man and monsterbarreling ass along intoThe All-Seeing Eye’sdestru

I rememberthe teacher grabbed

the transformed paperfuriously swapping hands

between collaborative artists

and scolded artwhen they are close

to failing.

Sidewalk chalkis a weirdthing to remember,when I rarely used it.So is rain,when it doesn’t happen.The color of eggplant

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makes me remembera kiss I didn’t deservebecause it was toolate to have real worth,while lavenderstill makes menot give a damn,I look good.

Sitting by the firesideghosts let me knowI’ll still come out alright.Don’t forget.

8

Blues Traveler,Runaround

How did I get to this place? Here I sit,An undergrad stoner gazing head-firstInto a new Choose-Your-Own-AdventureNot written yet. If I turn the wrong page,I’ll end up broke and alone in no time.Realism (asshole) dictates I should beShitting my pants right about…now.

I sip a beer while my girlfriend snores on,Her head on and her arm across my chest.I’m almost paralyzed, afraid to fail,But with her by my side—what can go wrong?There’s Landshark swimming ‘round in my belly,And he’s scanning the entire damn countryto find a new place that I’ll—we’ll—call home.

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ADRENALINEJUNKIE

London, 2012

Seem to breathea sigh of firea desire to dosomething that sets the world ablaze.

Hear the clusters ofcrow feet stompsand cars blaringdare gravity to make a moveon this concrete throneoverlooking the highway below.

Can of beer in handwill you find faithor fear?—

A midway pointall the teens frequent.

You get a calland almost fall

but the phone call stops you.Mom’s on the lineso you clear your throatand say what she wants to hear

becausethe lying game isan Olympic level sport

(at least where I grew up)

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Fear and Loathing in the Desert

With a nine-millimeterand a three-piece suit,adrenaline and endorphinsplow through his veins,

Like John Henry,twenty-pound hammer sparkingas singlehandedlythe man-become-godmade his place in legend.

He’s not afraid.Funny, he thinks to himself.He expected morefear in his heart.

No matter. He cocks his nine-millimeter,ready to kick down the doorbetween him and immortality.

With nothing to lose,we are extraordinary.

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Casino El Camino

“If I close and then open my eyes, will you still be there?” —Traditional Spanish phrase

He stomps on the pedal,sets his headlights ablaze.The duffle in his lap, 9-mil poised,his trigger-happy finger itches.

Red and blue lights flood his rear-view,painting the smoke from the casino purple.

A small nation’s wealth at his fingertips,a small army on his ass,what made him think robbing a casino would work?He knew it was foolish to try,

but his debt, repaid,means her death’s delayed.

He’s caught in a chasehe knows he’ll lose, but he has to get to her.The boss is an impatient manwith no qualms about killing.

“Si cierro los ojos y vuelvo abrirlos, ¿vas estar todavía?”

her voice rings in his ears,trying to calm him even thoughshe knows she’s good as deadand he will die to save her.

His ears are flooded with sirensas the cops start closing in.

He looks at the 9-mil in his hand,wanting desperately to stay peaceful,but if there is a way to get to her,that path is closing faster with each second.

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He can’t fight the itch anymoreand his shot declares it open season.

A torrent of gunfiretattoos the car with bulletholes,a stray bullet clipping his tire.El Camino capsizes into cacti.

He spills onto the soil.The ocean of red sand devours his blood.

Car doors slam all around aspolice keep their weapons trained on him.Desperate, begging for air,he still sees her in his mind—

swears she’s right in front of him,telling him “It’s okay, querido.

El amor entra por los ojos,El amor es como agua que no seca.”Love enters through the eyes,Love is like water that doesn’t dry.

It’s funny, he thinks—that’s the first time either mentioned love to the other.

A smile splays across his face.He’d laugh if breathing hadn’t become so difficult.The sirens slowly fadeas his eyes shut out the stars.

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DESPERADO

Tankas at the Front Lines of the ________

War, 1---In a daze, the boysprints down _______ Hill. He weeps, lost, tired—but no one can hear;the thunder of the cannonsmasks any other noises.

He can’t catch his breath.The world’s exploding ‘round him.He just wants to hide—A shell crashes through the trees,nearly takes the boy’s head off.

He needs to scream, butcommon sense smacks him, tellinghim to stifle it.The enemy’s advancing,and the boy’s right in their path.

Fear takes hold as thecannons prep for the next round.Fight or flight is now.Will he fight for what is right,or flee, and save his own life?

He chooses neither.He ducks into the shadowsof the mighty treesand prays to _______ to bring him homebefore the war consumes him.

But he prays in vain.A lone soldier, one of ________ troopsheard the shadows wail.A gun barrel pokes in todecide the boy’s fate for him.

17

Villanelle for Madeline Morris, the Girl I

Never KnewI was the only one who saw youdressed in gleaming white. You took my breath away.In that moment, I regretted not knowing you.

See, the dream came on a couple hours after two—You took my hand, and we started to sway.I was the only one who saw you.

We circled the dance floor for hours; we flew.I was so happy, I didn’t know what to sayin that moment. I regretted not knowing you.

You stopped suddenly, and I noticed all the glances we drew—I drew, I mean. I realized it before, but only now could I say I was the only one who saw you

as you were: a ghost, your white dress a heavenly huebecause you died in a car wreck only the other day.In that moment, I regretted not knowing you.

I broke down sobbing. I didn’t want it to be true,but your always-gentle voice let me know everything is okay.I was the only one who saw you;In that moment, I regretted not knowing you.

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Little Blue Walker

It’s okay to ask for assistanceevery now and again, my old friend.You don’t have todo everything by yourself.

I’ve seen so manysitting on their asses,the indent intheir favorite chairdeepening every day.

I want to help these poor souls.Their pride imprisons themin the guise of painand fear.They think they are hurting too much,so they are afraid to move, andthere they stay,with their gazesfixed out the window as

a father swings his girlin a near-perfect arcup to his shoulders,a bird findsdelight in a puddle,the trees shake,laughing at a jokethe old oak spoke.

Come here, you.Take my hands.Let me lead you forward.You are better than thosefrozen in place,unwilling to continue their lives,not even for a chanceto be in the middle of what they’ve seenwhile they sink lower in their chairs.

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Let me help you up.Let me lead you on.It’s okay, I enjoy it.It’s what I was made for,what I was born to do,same as everyone else.

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cover image uploaded to Unsplash.com by Redd Angelo(https://unsplash.com/@reddangelo16/portfolio)