40 Reasons Why Your Relationship is Not

Working and How to fix it

By

Hephzibah Asaolu

www.relationshipmatters101.com

It’s so easy for us to give up faith in relationships. Many of us have thought

about quitting several times. People will tell you, “When you fall off a horse,

you have to get back on.” That’s provided you haven’t concluded that you

don’t even want to be on that damn horse. Relationships can be like horses.

Some people think they’re beautiful, remarkable, strong and elegant

creatures. Others think they’re stinky, stupid, wild and really not all that

important to their lives. There’s many ways to view relationships; the key is

that we’ve all got to find ourselves in self-examination when relationships fail

or don’t work out. Yes, there are many times when it wasn’t our fault, it was

their fault. However, there are times that regardless of who’s fault, it’s time to

examine why it isn’t working out.

1. You don’t know when to shut up — There comes a point where making

your point becomes harmful. There are times when your sentence could end

and be just as powerful, but is ruined because of a motor mouth.

2. You tell everybody your damn business — Your friends are your support

system, but they are a gift and a curse. They can be there for you when you’re

hurt, but they can also pacify you when you need to teethe.

3. You refuse to accept that you’ll need to make some changes in your life —

“I’m not going to change for anybody” is always the extreme of not knowing

what “How can I be better?” really means.

4. You expect others to put up with your problems — “You should accept me

flaws and all” is only half true. I’ve always said, “I accept that you have

problems, but that doesn’t mean I’ll make them my own.”

5. You’re inconsistent — You say you know what you want, you say you know

what you don’t want, but you allow the two to mix sometimes. You can’t

profess that you’re ready to settle down at one point and then shout “YOLO!”

at the next.

6. You’re not ugly, just unattractive — Too often people confuse looks with

attraction. I know plenty of beautiful women who are not attractive. It may be

personality traits, or they have only heavily relied on their looks and haven’t

focused on their entire being to become completely whole.

7. You’re too judgmental — Your perfect ten is probably not the person you

envision them to be when you jot it down on paper. You also can’t expect

them to come off-the-shelf like that too. You’re knocking down potential and

people who may meet your 80%, just because you find minor flaws.

8. Your network is not helpful — You are the company you keep. You have to

have positive reinforcements in your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to

have married friends, or friends with children. It means you have to have a

positive network that is beautiful, instead of looking like a war zone of love.

9. You haven’t learned to let go — Acceptance is a part of life that we always

struggle with. We have to learn that we’ll have to accept things in our past and

leave them there. We hold onto things because we think that if we let them go

it’s like we’re saying it’s okay. We’re not, we’re accepting it and allow

ourselves to move past it.

10. You’ve got too much pride — Pride will stand in your way. It will make you

quit a relationship because you feel slighted at a certain point, rather than

doubling down and making it work. When you start concerning yourself with

how you look to others instead of how you feel on the inside, you lose.

11. You want what you deserve, but don’t want to earn it — Everybody thinks

they deserve the world. Everybody thinks they’re awesome individuals. Then

they make everyone pass all these tests before they’ll prove it. The world

wasn’t made in a day – you have to put in the necessary work too.

12. Your past becomes baggage instead of lessons learned — Everything that

happens in our life, happens for a reason. At times, we acknowledge that

something happened, but don’t understand the reasons and lessons we can

learn. It becomes a story that ends with the occurrence and not what came of

that experience.

13. You digest entirely too much trash instead of daily bread — Whether it is

too much reality TV or trash on the radio, learn to balance when you digest.

Everything in moderation, but honest moderation. You can’t possibly know all

the characters on each reality show, but can’t tell me one great book (heck,

author of an article) that was written in the last year you’ve read.

14. You make poor investments — We’re all guilty of investing our time and

effort into things we know won’t bring us any closer to happiness. We tell

ourselves, “just this last time” but we know it’s a guilty pleasure. We also put

time and effort into investments that haven’t yielded any results in some time

— learn to walk away and stop making those in the future.

15. You allow yourself to be enabled — This one is huge — we become guilty

of enablement. We say that “I’ll land on my feet,” “There’s plenty to choose

from,” or we tout off how many degrees or how much wealth we have as

reasons why we don’t have to make changes. Or, we make mistakes because

we know there aren’t consequences, or don’t believe there are consequences.

Don’t allow yourself to be enabled, always challenge yourself to do good

despite of whether you’re held accountable for it or not.

16. You don't Align your basic values and goals: The first thing you do is to sit

down with your partner and find out what your basic values and goals are, and

the direction you both want the relationship to go. Know whether the

relationship CAN work, here you both have to be frank about your differences and

values, what you can and cannot compromise about. Make these decisions HERE

before you end up with the wrong person.

17. Disrespectful communication: this is very crucial in creating a trusting

relationship and without it the relationship devolves into a battlefield.

Communication isn’t a one way street so it has to flow both ways. Respectful

communication involves the art of listening. You could talk to your partner all day

long, but if he doesn’t LISTEN to you then all the words are meaningless. The art

of listening is probably even more important than talking. Someone said “the

reason why God gave us one mouth and two ears is to talk less and listen more.”

18. You Lack affection: affection is the bond in relationships. It is the expression

of care. It symbolizes protection, security, comfort. When you show affection to

your partner you are telling him or her “you are important to me.” “I will care for

you and protect you always.” All humans respond deeply to intimacy touch,

affection, kindness, and tone of voice. Non verbal form of communication impacts

the relationship greatly. A simple hug can say those things.

19. You are not Appreciating your partner: this is important yet many of us don’t

know how to do it. Most of us feel so uncomfortable saying why and how much

we care for each other. We assume our partners know or should know how much

we appreciate them and the things they do. It’s important you never assume your

partner knows anything about what your feelings are. Simple appreciative words

like ‘Thank you for the food’, ‘thank you for being there’, thank you for helping

out’, ‘thank you for working so hard for us’…these little words and moments of

gratitude can greatly inspire each other to make the relationship grow. Try it.

20. You are not giving your relationship Quality time: Seeing your partner

everyday doesn’t mean you both are spending quality time together. You have to

find out what your partner enjoys doing with you and share that moment

together with him or her, the point is not on what you are doing, but why you are

doing it. Dr Gary Chapman in his book, “The Five Love Languages” says quality

time means undivided attention. This means you have to have a presence of mind

when you are with your partner, not just sitting together and all you do is focusing

on the television when your partner really wants to have a nice conversation with

you. If you love somebody you will do anything and everything to spend time with

them that is meaningful.

21. You don't Compromise: a successful relationship requires compromise from

both of you. You will have to adjust to each other, making time and taking in

different viewpoints. Lack of compromise is a very selfish thing to do. You mustn’t

have it your way all the time. “Sometimes letting go is the most mature skill – no

couple agrees on all points.”

22. You don't give God chance to build your relationship: If your relationship is

not rooted in God, you will have trouble making it work, because nothing you do

would seem enough. It is The LORD that blesses your efforts, and gives you the

wisdom to act in a certain way. The bible says GOD is love, so when He comes in,

automatically love sets in.

23. You never talk about the future

It’s great to live in the moment, but if you don’t make plans for what's next, your

relationship could end up being short-term.

“Making future plans is a healthy ingredient for a growing relationship,” says Amy

Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure. “It’s also an indicator of the

commitment you have to each other.”

24. He’s told you that he’s not the marrying kind

This seem like an obvious barrier to a serious relationship, but many women

ignore it when men say this, thinking they can change him. It's time to start taking

him at face value.

“Men repeatedly tell women they are simple beings,” says Levine. “If he shows

you or tells you who he is, then believe him. It will save you a ton of time and

energy. Wake up! You’re Mrs. Right Now, not the future Mrs. [insert his last name

here].”

25. You’re keeping other guys on the back burner

Don’t expect a commitment until you take the plunge and jump in with both feet!

“Having other men in the periphery is often an indication that you know the main

guy isn’t the best match for you,” says Levine. “Or that you’re scared to take the

leap of faith into intimacy.”

26. You have nothing in common except sex

If all you have in common is what happens between the sheets it may be hard to

achieve the level of intimacy you really desire. Sex is good and advisable in the

confines of marriage.

27. You live together

If you’re already doing all the stuff that goes with married life without the formal

commitment, there may be no motivation to move things to the next level. The

old saying ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’. Thinking of

women as cows is degrading, but the overall meaning makes sense. Men are

more likely to hold off from moving a relationship forward when they’re content

and already getting what they want.

28. His parents are divorced

Sometimes parents can give us a negative idea of what marriage is or instill a lack

of trust in us through their actions. Our relationship role models are often our

blueprint. It may be all he knows. If your man feels this way, it’s important to talk

through his issues and help him understand that your relationship is something

totally different.

29. None of his friends are married

If his pals aren’t in serious relationships, he may be less motivated to take the

leap. If his friends all have a bachelor mentality, there is a good chance it can rub

off on him, too. Who we surround ourselves with often explains our behaviors.

30. You’re both acting like you’re single

Even though you’re coupled you’re still staying out ’til all hours, hanging out with

friends more than each. If you want a more serious relationship, you both need to

approach the relationship with an “us” instead of “me” mentality. If you’re

enjoying other people’s company in groups more than the two of you being alone,

you’re likely not content with what you have together.

31. You haven’t made your desires clear

If he doesn’t know how you really feel, he may not understand that moving things

forward is important to you. So tell him! You should always make what you want

clear from the very beginning. You don’t want to waste your time and not be true

to yourself. You shouldn’t stay with a man if you’re afraid of telling him what you

need and want.

32. You keep things casual

Because you’re afraid of scaring him off, you’ve given him the idea that you could

take him or leave him. This relationship will go nowhere fast until you come clean.

Being scared means that you are now giving that person too much credit and

power that he doesn’t deserve. You have to lead with your true self from the very

beginning and if he doesn’t like you for who you are, then tell them to go 'to the

left!

33. You’re settling

You know he’s not the one, but you’re keeping him around as a backup plan. But

this is one plan that will never lead to a happy ending. This is an act of

desperation that will only lead to depression. You are now setting yourself up to

fail. I would rather be home with a green mask on my face than with a partner I

had no chemistry with or desire to be with in life.

34. You’ve skipped over traditional 'steps'

If you’ve missed important milestones such as calling each other

boyfriend/girlfriend or saying I love you, then you may be way off the path toward

the next level of your relationship. Start making up for lost time now -- even if it

means going on your first date again! There are many reasons couples skip over

the traditional steps. Maybe you're in a long distance relationship, or you got off

to a whirlwind start and threw caution to the wind. In any case, missing these

'checkpoints' means you both lose the chance to assess the relationship and look

at your partnership in a more serious light. “Anything that happens too fast, ends

just as fast,” says Flicker.

35. You haven’t traveled together

Traveling together forces you to navigate new territory and experience exciting

and unfamiliar situations as a couple. It can be an essential step in really getting

to know your partner. Traveling is the best form of therapy and when you travel

with a partner you learn a lot about that person’s habits and character. Then you

can make a decision on whether or not you can live with that person’s habits. So

get up and go somewhere -- exotic destination not required.

36. You don’t have your own life

If you’re always waiting around for him, he has no incentive to get more serious.

You don’t need to make him feel like he could lose you, but make sure he knows

you have a life. You are a needy and that is a complete turnoff. A man loves

confidence and a woman who is confident is a busy body always planning,

attending and living life. If you are not confident then act ‘as if’ because at least

that is more attractive than being available and needy!

37. Your relationship exists online

It’s fine to meet your partner online, but if you don’t take the next step and meet

in real life, taking another step forward will be even more unlikely to happen.

Get out of your room, log off your computer and step outside -- there’s a whole

world out there!. Meet real people and actually face them. Look into someone’s

eyes and smile at him instead of at your computer screen.

38. You haven’t brought him into your world

If you’ve shied away from introducing him to friends and family (or he hasn’t

brought you around to his) you probably won't be a part of each other’s futures. If

you partner has not introduced you to his family and you have been dating for

over 6 months, something is wrong. He’s not sure about the relationship and this

would be the time to say 'take the L outta lover -- it's over!'"

39. You avoid fights

If you never express your true feelings or discuss real issues, your relationship will

forever be on that polite plane usually reserved for acquaintances. Fighting is

essential and healthy in any relationship, says Flicker. If you are not fighting then

you are not loving. Stop living in a glass bubble and actually feel some emotions

because in the end it will only bring you both closer together. And if it doesn’t,

then it was not meant to be!

40. He’s not financially stable

If a man doesn’t have his act together it can be hard for you to commit to him or

for him to feel comfortable bringing your deeper into his life. Have a frank

discussion with yourself (and with him) to decide if you’re in it for the long haul. If

he is not financially stable, it is going to be tough, but love conquers all, and no

one promised us that life was going to be easy. All one needs is ambition, drive

and determination. Money will follow. How much money? Ask the man above!

How to Fix your dating relationship

Above are forty reasons why your relationship is not working. I’m not sure that

you can solve these flaws overnight. That’s okay, not too many things work

that way. Most times, it takes hard work and a concerted effort to reconcile

and fix these. The first step is to tell yourself that you have a flaw or an

opportunity for improvement. Can you be in a relationship and work on

yourself? Absolutely, but only to the extent that it doesn’t become a burden

on the person you’re dating. Secondly, you need to assess your relationship

and be ready to fix it. There are several articles on www.relationship.com that

will help you to fix your relationship problems. Get to the site and sign up to

our mailing list.

Feel free to contact me on any private thoughts or questions you might want to

ask.

Internetbiz05@gmail.com

www.relationshipmatters101.com

About the author

Hephzibah Asaolu is a relationship consultant. You can contact me for your

questions or clarifications on relationship matters.

Internetbiz05@gmail.com

www.relationshipmatters101.com