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8/12/2019 1989 Issue 7 - The Family - Counsel of Chalcedon
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The
Family
by Rod S Mays
T
e family can be a major
source of counseling prob
lems. I t is here that different
backgrounds and habits are
brought under one roof. The different
family members are influenced by vari
ous and diverse surroundings. All of
these differences allow for confusion,
misunderstanding and rebellion. Added
to these common problems is the pres
sure of a humanistically oriented soci
ety whose faulty and flawed presupposi
tions are based on
its
own fallen ration
alism and depraved experience. Who
will counsel those who have been in
fluenced by these pseudo-alternatives?
Counseling the family as a unit or
as
individual members has its foundation
in theological presuppositions, not in
the presuppositions
of
secular human
ism.
The
family is a divine institution,
established by God at creation. The fam
ily is not the result of a social
evolutionary process but
of
a divinely
ordained institution.
The
Lord God
said, 'It is not
good for man to be alone; I will make
him a helper suitable for him. For this
cause a man shall leave his father and
his mother, and shall cleave
to
his wife;
and they shall become one flesh. '
(Genesis 2:18,24)
Marriage and
the
family are not pro
ducts of experie11ce or expediency that
gradually developed out of prehistoric
times. (The term prehistoric times is
a child of revised history.) In particu
lar, the Christian family is a covenant
institution. It is an extension of the
church in teaching and worship. The
Covenant
of
Grace was established with
Abraham and his descendants. (Genesis
17:7-10).
The
Covenant promises are
made to believers and their children.
(Acts 2:39). Thereby, one understands
the Christian family to be composed
of
believing parents and their children.
Because the family originates with
God's covenant promises, the Word
of
God must
be
our
absolute authority
in
dealing with family problems. The theo
logical foundation for the family makes
theological counseling relevant.
Problems arise in the family struc
ture mainly due
to
a lack of under
standing of definite roles or to exercise
of role reversal. The family today is
thrust into an age
of
pressure. Poor
theological orientation, financial diffi
culties, rebelliousness among young
people and liberationist philosophy are
causing widespread disharmony among
families. Divorce is no longer shunned
but advocated. The cults are capitalizing
on run-away young people. More and
more families need counseling. The
theological and nouthetic counselor
finds himself in a strategic position
to
admonish, warn and confront. A family
can be happy. It is a sacred institution.
Rousas J. Rushdoony considers the
family to be the central institution in
society:
The family is man's first
because it is there that he gets
his basic learning concerning faith. The
family is man's first for it is in
the family that he learns the basic wis
dom and learning
of
all education. The
family is man's frrst because the
family under God is a state. It is there
that force is brought to bear on a child
to make him conform to what is just;
he is punished for evil doing or diso
bedience; he is taught that there must
be law and order within the framework
of
the family and society at large.
The family is a structure built accord
ing to God's Law. When God's divine
order is ignored or violated, problems
will arise. These problems will usually
manifest themselves in a faulty under
standing of love and roles.
Love is a difficult word to define.
Since it is such an abstract word, it
actually cannot be defined but must be
illustrated to be understood. The
Apostle Paul in I Corinthians 13:4-8
gives a beautiful description of what
Jove
is
a TJ d
is not. Note that the passage
The Counsel of Chalcedon Aug.-Sept. 1989 page 6
is a list of .ii.QtiQn_words. The Scriptures
further teach us that love is action and
not feeling. For instance, For God so
loved the world that He gm No
greater m than this that a man would
lay down his life for his friends.
Giving and laying down
are
action
terms, not feeling terms.
If
God only
felt love ~ < J . n e y e r ~ @ n 1 0 n s t r ~ t e d
love,
no one could be saved. God offers more
than warm positive regard
Calvary is the supreme demonstra
tion of Divine love. Love has its
foundation in God. As individuals ex
perience God's love, they will love one
another. That is how families come in
to being. Defining love as action and a
fact to be learned is a valuable tool to
the theological counselor. He can com
mand his counselee
to
love
his
wife and
children, or the wife to love her hus
band and children or the children to love
their parents. Love is not
an
emotion or
feeling, simply because emotions and
feelings cannot be commanded. One can
not be told to be angry or to be happy
and have successful results, but one can
be told
to
love.
Jesus said: Love one another .. love
your enemies. John said: Love the
b r e t h r e n . ~ Paul said: Husbands love
your wives. Love is commanded.
Today's humanistic society has re
duced love to a mere feeling rather than
fact. God's love is the force which
causes man to love, therefore, it is not
just a feeling, but a compelling force
manifested in action.
The theological counselor presents
love to the unloving family. They are
no longer without hope.
TH ROL
OF TH
HUSBAND
T
e major portion of the
responsibility for a good
marriage and a Biblical fam
ily lies on the husband. He
is responsible for love in the home, and
he is to love his wife as Christ loved
the church.
Husbands, love your wives, just
as Christ also loved the church and gave
Himself up for her; that He might sane
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tify her, having cleansed her by wash
ing
of
water with the word, that
He
might present to Himself the church in
all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle
or
any such thing; but that she should
be holy and blameless. So husbands
ought also to love their own wives as
their own bodies.
He
who loves his
wife loves himself." (Eph. 5:25-28)
Here, and in most
of
the New Testa
ment, love is a verb and
not
a noun.
t
is active and not passive,
just
as a wo
man's submission is active and
not
pas
sive. Many husbands come for counsel
ing because they don't understand this
principle. They view love as strictly a
romantic feeling and not factual conunit
ment. A theological counselor will tell
them to love their wives. How are hus
bands to love their wives? Paul said,
"as Christ loved the church." This is
self-sacrificiallove. A husband is to im
itate Christ in all his ways. Christ
loved the church enough to die for it.
The theological counselor asks this
questions
of
husbands: "Do you love
your wife enough to die for her?"
The husband is the head
of
the wife
as
Christ is head of the church. This
role is fulfilled by loving leadership. He
continues to love even if she refuses to
submit. Christenson writes--
"The highest duty of the Chris
tian bus band is to care for the sanctifica
tion of his wife. His model is Christ,
who has sacrificed Himself for His
church, in order to sanctify it.
.
At
home, by prayer and word, he must sus
tain her
in
spirit, strengthen her feeling
for high and heavenly things, and
forward her
in
Christian knowledge."
Sproul comments--
"The man should know more
about the things of God than his wife
and certainly more than his children. He
should be the primary teacher and prime
example for his wife. This is an awe
some responsibility for which every
husband will be held accountable. The
priestly role of the husband is not op
tional, but mandatory."
Loving leadership requires that a hus
band be a good manager of the house
hold. Too many husbands leave their
responsibilities to the wife. Paying
bills, managing money and family wor
ship are among the most common
responsibilities placed on the wife by
the husband.
THE ROLE
OF THE
WIFE
I
a counseling situation involv
ing a wife or mother, the prob
lem
usually has arisen because
of role reversal. Either she is
not fulfilling her proper role as a wife
and mother or her husband and children
are not following their prescribed roles.
t is the purpose
of
the theological coun
selor to use the Biblical role
of
the wife
as a teaching element to restore normal
cy to the situation.
The key word in Paul's exhortation is
submission. To many, submission is
an angry word. However, submission
does not imply inferiority. As a matter
of fact, in Genesis 2:18 the "help meet"
or "helper" implies equality. The wo
man was made from the man. She is
the man. She is suitable for the
man. These
all
imply equality, not
inferiority. Submission does not re
move freedom but provides for it. R. C.
Sproul writes:
"In the Women's Liberation
Movement we have seen a massive pro
test against male supremacy. Women
are marching to recapture their dignity.
How did they ever lose it in the first
place? Because Moses was a male chau
vinist? Because Paul was a misoga
mist? Certainly not. The loss of female
dignity came about when sinful male
arrogance declared the myth that pre-emi
nence in authority means superiority in
dignity "
The solution to this problem is not
for wives to usurp the Biblical author
ity
of
their husbands but to understand
and practice Biblical submission.
Submission is positive.
t
is active.
As a wife views herself as a "helper"
(Gen. 2:18) she understands submission
as active not passive. She supports, en
courages, and obeys. Her submission
and obedience are always determined by
the Scriptures.
or
example, God does
not expect a woman to obey and submit
to her husband's desire for her to steal.
The theological counselor instructs
the counselee to actively pray for her
husband. Not to pray against him, but
for him. She is encouraged to actively
participate and be involved in his in
terests. Positive submission is pleasing
one's husband
by
fulfilling domestic
duties. Submission is aggression on the
wife's part to be the "helper" God de
signed her to be. This gives the coun
selee something to work toward when
there is a problem. These principles re
late to her how to be submissive.
On the other hand, she may ask,
"Why?" The theological counselor's an
swer to that is, "Because
God
said to."
Pauls states in Eph. 5:22 -- "Wives, be
subject to your own husbands, as to the
Lord." God knows what is best.
THE ROLE OF THE PARENTS
M
ny children and young
people are labeled as delin
quent or rebellious. This
is rightly so; however,
many cases are the result
of
parents
being delinquent and rebellious in their
roles.
The primary task of parents is to
teach their children. Closely knitted
together with teaching is discipline.
"And fathers, do not provoke your
children to anger; but bring them up in
the discipline and instruction of the
Lord." (Eph. 6:4 NASV)
In
a day of increasing complexities
and relativism, the moral outlook is
permissive and daring. In order for chil
dren to survive this moral breakdown,
they must be educated in the Word, dis
ciplined in love and shown an example
through their parents.
Children must be instructed in the
Word
of
God. The Bible is the founda
tion for all
of
life.
t
is the absolute
authority for child rearing. Moses gave
this principle:
The Counsel of Chalcedon Aug.-Sept. 1989 page 7
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8/12/2019 1989 Issue 7 - The Family - Counsel of Chalcedon
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"Hear, 0 Israel, The Lord is our
God, the Lord is One And you shall
love the Lord your God with all your
heart and with all your soul and with all
your might. And these words, which I
am commanding you today, shall be on
your heart; and you shall teach them
diligently to your sons and shall talk of
them when you sit in your house and
when you walk
by
theway
and-wlren
you lie down and when you rise up.
And you shall bind them
as
... a sign on
your hand and they shall be
as
frontals
on your forehead. And you shall write
them on the door posts of your house
and on your gate." (Deut. 6:4-9)
The ideas that children acquire from
school, from television, and from secu
lar books, need to be counteracted. The
parents' responsibility of education is to
refute false concepts that steal the
minds
of
their children.
They need
to be
taught the Scrip
tures. This makes family worship and
family devotions a must.
The parents' role of education must
be supported by the church. Children
must be taken to a Bible-believing
church where they will be taught the
Word. Also,
if
a good Christian school
is accessible, then the parents are obli
gated to enroll their children.
Closely tied with teaching is dis
cipline. It is obvious that there are
times when children must be corrected.
Unlike the permissive view of chiid
psychology, the theological counselor
encourages parents to exert authority
over.their children. Parental authority
implies discipline.
[Reprinted by permission, from Restora-
tion, A Publication
of
Family Counseling
and Resources, Inc., Jackson, MS.,Rod S:
Mays, Editor.]
Q
nother wonderful
Judy
Rogers lapel
Here is more help for the Christian family in applying
the light of
Proverbs and Psalms in their lives.
Through a great variety
of
music styles comes the age
old message of fruitfufness through a life of
obedience to God's Word. In several songs
c h i l c J : ~ n
from Chalcedon and once Judy's brother, Hugh, JOin
this masterful musician and lyricist
to
praise the Lord
and admonish, encourage, and instruct Christians.
Among many memorable lines is "What she wears
can't make what she does look good." Give your
children the opportunity to put God-honoring songs
in their hearts, to help them, and encourage others, to
walk in the way
of
tlie Lord. Titles incluae "Out
of
the Mouth of Children", "Seven Awful Things",
"Isabelle Is a Pig", "Talk to Me", "Trust
in
tlie Lord",
"Go to the Ant", "I Will Sing", "The o n ~ u e , "The
School
of
the Fool", and "Listen My Son . You will
be delighted
-:.Marlene Goodrum
Go
to
t-he e4-nc
?ONGs; E W ~ e r 7 ON 7J /
E
goof( or:=
P I Z O V E I Z ~ ~ - r : : o r < C.f..IIL /JZEN ANI7
F=AM/LY.
:;ONG Tlll..E-7
INCLUf?I:E
G O TO Th'EA/o/T T/IE 5Ch'00f. 0. ' Th'E COOL.
TRUST
ltV
T/IE
LOR'/
7J1L.I
