Understanding Communication

8 steps to communication

Effective Communication

Communication Barriers

Conflict & Difficult Conversations◦ Triangulation◦ Masks

Moving Forward

Communication Tips

Overview

Communication: Simple or Complex?

Basis for relationships

Constant

Difficult & complex

Requires give & take

Communication…

Roles:◦ Sender◦ Receiver

Message:1. Sender’s thought2. Sender’s communication of idea3. Receiver hears idea4. Receiver’s perceived idea of sender’s thought

Process of Communication

8 Steps to Communication

Sender Receiver

1) I intend to send a particular message.

2) I communicate the message.

3) I believe I sent the particular message I intended and the particular message was heard as intended.

4) I may or may not ask for feedback to assure the particular message was heard as intended.

5) I heard a message.

6) I assign meaning to the message from my own frame of reference.

7) I think I understand the particular message as intended.

8) I may or may not provide feedback that I did or did not understand the particular message as intended.

Express Yourself!

Truly understand what the other person is saying; don’t make assumptions.

Be authentic.

Intention does not always equal impact.

Good communication is the ability to align your message in a way that resonates to your real thoughts, emotions, and beliefs, so that what you are communicating reflects what you are really thinking, how you feel, what you believe, and how you act.

Authentic communication is when your verbal and nonverbal communication matches.

Be self-aware of who you are and how you communicate; open yourself up to being comfortable with yourself.

Effective Communication

Being unaware of yourself◦ To counter this:

Take a moment and pause Reflect on your personality traits Understand your communication style Do NOT judge yourself; remain neutral

Fear◦ To counter this:

Remain self-aware and open to understanding the other person Ensure that your message is being heard correctly & that you are

hearing the other person directly Establish what you and the other person both need in order to feel

respected in the situation

Weak/non-existent feedback system

Communication Barriers

Key Ingredients Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.

Increase your self-awareness.

Become comfortable with the uncomfortable.◦ Being told “no”◦ Being disagreed with and criticized◦ Strong emotional responses (either from you or others)

Allow others to react authentically without it affecting you.

Be willing to change your own assumptions, judgments, & biases.

Give yourself permission to make errors; do not judge yourself.

Find common ground. Compromise = giving 60% and expecting 40%.

Step up for yourself

Do NOT attempt to change something or someone; simply try to communicate your thoughts/ideas with them or try to better understand where they are coming from.

Focus on someone’s behavior rather than the person.

Conflict & Communication

Conflict◦ Difference in opinions and perceptions◦ Serious disagreements over needs or goals◦ Gossip, avoidance, verbal abuse, passive aggressive

communication, blame, anger, denial

When conflict affects the ability to live and work productively, they must be addressed

Difficult conversations may follow because of ◦ High emotions◦ Important issues◦ Strong disagreements

Addressing Conflict

Your first goal is to get your authentic message across.◦ Be aware of yourself and to whom you are speaking.

Your second goal is to understand the other person’s authentic message.

Do not engage by trying to change the other person’s mind.

Identify the core problem in a way that you can both understand.◦ Share experiences◦ Discuss what your intentions are/were

Managing Conflict

Occur when feelings of intimidation or fear arise particularly when:◦ There is a strong disagreement◦ Emotions are running high◦ The issue is important to all individuals involved

Difficult Conversations

One of the leading causes of stress in the workplace & in personal relationships

You must be able to deal with difficult conversations and understand the ways other people cope in these situations.

Managing difficult conversations requires:◦ self-awareness◦ ability to speak authentically◦ ability to listen without judgment

Difficult Conversations

1. Address the problem early2. Discuss the issue directly3. Communicate with respect4. Seek to learn and understand the other

person’s point-of-view5. Address perceptions and assumptions6. Listen to understand the interests of the other

party (not just their position on the matter of the dispute)

7. Focus on the issue, not the person8. Find ways to move past your differences

** not easy to follow**

Best Practices

Fear

Leveraging

Triangulation

Masks

Communication Styles

Personality Traits

Factors in Difficult Conversations

Criticism Rejection Disapproval Being wrong Embarrassment Shame Abandonment Being seen as incompetent Anger Being seen as vulnerable Crying

Fear of…

If your thoughts, words, feelings, beliefs, and/or behaviors do not align, then you are most likely in self-protection mode.

Self-protection mode: Attempt to prevent someone from seeing any insecurities or vulnerability◦ Don’t say what you mean◦ Change words & alter message◦ Feel tense and anxious internally, or even angry◦ May become aggressive with verbal and nonverbal

communication

Fear Self Protective Mode

Characterized by◦ Being equal or on the same level regardless of

position◦ Have an equal balance of power in conversation

If this is not achieved, then you will most likely triangulate the situation

Leveraging

Occurs when a person is under an extreme amount of stress and reaches out to another person rather than directly communicating with the person they are in conflict with.

**not mediation**

Three faces:◦ Victim◦ Blamer◦ Rescuer

Triangulation

People feel powerless People have weak boundaries People are dependent People conclude that they are unimportant, invisible,

incompetent, unlovable, don’t matter, etc.

**Whether the third person knows it or not, they are now involved in this difficult conversation**

Triangulation hardly ever solves the problem and in some cases can cause further issues. At this point, people will begin to “mask” their emotions in certain ways.

Why do triangles happen?

Placater Blamer Computer Distracter

**Used to deal with the perceived threat of rejection**

The 4 Masks

Characteristics◦ Doesn’t want the other person to become angry or disappointed

◦ Talks in an ingratiating way, trying to please the other person

◦ Rarely disagrees

◦ Apologizes frequently

◦ Seeks approval

◦ ‘Yes’ person

This individual frequently says yes when they really mean no, is unable to deliver the real message, and is silent about their own needs.

Over time this person might begin to feel tightness in the throat; and a lot of physical and emotional fatigue, despite the praise they receive for being so helpful! Inside they are fuming and angry.

Placater

Wants to be seen as “strong”

Characteristics:◦ Fault-finder◦ Dictator◦ Acts superior and seems to be saying: “If it

weren’t for you, everything would be all right.”

◦ Says, “I am right and you are wrong, and I don’t need to listen to this anymore!”

◦ Dominates conversations and/or interrupts

Over time, this person experiences tension in the muscles and organs. They portray a false sense of dominance, but underneath feel detached and excluded, very lonely.

Blamer

Computer Tends to deal with a threat as if it were harmless.

Hides self-worth behind big words and intellectual concepts

Characteristics:◦ Abstract thinker◦ Uses big words◦ Reasonable◦ Usually correct◦ Shows very little, if any, emotion◦ Un-reactive to situations, tend to remain calm

Internally, they feel very lonely.

Over time this person experiences body rigidity and monotone voice.

Attempts to distract others so that the threat is ignored; they behave as if there is no threat.

Characteristics:◦ Off topic◦ Singsong voice◦ Exaggerated motions◦ Genuinely funny

Thought: maybe if one does this long enough, it really will go away.

Can be thought of as a ‘kind of lopsided top’. Constantly spinning but never knowing where you are going, and not realizing it when you get there.

Distracters are frequently the ‘life of the party’ and have the ability to make people laugh, often referred to as the ‘class clown.’ Over time this person experiences a lack of purpose in life and general body discomfort.

Distracter

Victim◦ Placater – “yes” person

Rescuer◦ Could be any mask◦ Receive many compliments◦ Feel validated by assisting and being recognized

Blamer◦ Computer – feels powerless◦ Distracter – uses “aggressive” tactics to stay distant

Triangulation & Masks

To better understand the situation and the other person, you must first understand yourself.

Look at your◦ Communication styles

◦ Personality traits

Reflect on why you may be reacting or behaving in a certain way.

Do NOT judge yourself; remain neutral to situations.

Reflect on behaviors and not personal characteristics.

Determining where you are…

Choose to act 1:1 or with a mediator

Act sooner rather than later

Decide what you would like to achieve with the conversation

Invite the other person to participate in the conversation

Plan the logistics of the meeting When, where, who should participate, etc.

Moving Forward: Pre-Conversation

Once you are self-aware, approach the other person and arrange a meeting or time to discuss what you are experiencing.

If you are tense about your conversation, practice in a mirror or with someone you trust (do NOT triangulate).

Focus on thinking, communicating, and acting authentically.

Pre-Conversation Tips

Ask for assistance if needed Establish

◦ Mutual purpose – Why are you meeting?

◦ Mutual meaning – What issues are you addressing?

◦ Mutual respect – What do you both need in order to feel respect during this conversation and afterwards?

Discuss confidentiality

Discuss perceptions and assumptions

Listen to the other person’s perspective

Be aware of and try to understand your own and the other

person’s feelings

During Conversation

Take a time out if needed

Only address the past if relevant

Focus on the issue, not the person

Look for common ground

Agree on how to be accountable in the future

◦ How will you give or receive feedback?

During Conversation

Act with integrity◦ Stick to what decisions were made during your

covnersation

Let go of the past and hard feelings

Acknowledge differences and appreciate efforts made

Give and/or ask for feedback on a consistent basis

Post-Conversation

Strive to be authentic so that your thoughts, feelings, words, behaviors, and beliefs are aligned

Be an active listener◦ Listen attentively, restate what you think you heard, and

ask clarifying or follow-up questions.

Your goal is to communicate in a way that the listener can hear your message, it is NOT to change their minds or have them agree with you.

Communication Tips

Develop your emotional intelligence skills

Be direct, open, and adaptable

Seek to understand before being understood

Realize that you can only change yourself; you have no control over others’ words or behaviors

Take care not to assume or make judgments◦ Make an effort to assume best intentions.

Communication Tips

Questions?! Thoughts?! Input?!

AmeriCorps VISTA Leader Training. September 2013. Dallas, TX.

“The Relationship Between Conflict Resolution & Emotional Intelligence,” AmeriCorps VISTA Leader Webinar. September 2013. Elaine K Williams.

This webinar was created by 2013-2014 IACC VISTA Leader, Monique Ellefson.

References