Ch 4: Revising

© 2007 Thomson South-Western

Instructor Only Version

CHAPTER 4CHAPTER 4

Revising and Proofreading

Business Messages

Chapter 1, Slide 2Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 7e

The Writing ProcessThe Writing Process


Improving content and sentence structure—may

involve adding, cutting, recasting

Improving content and sentence structure—may

involve adding, cutting, recasting

Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics

Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics

Proofreading

Revising


Memo Revised for Conciseness


Concise WordingConcise WordingConcise WordingConcise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

Instead of this

We are of the opinion that

Please feel free to

In addition to the above

At this point in time

Despite the fact that

Try this

We think

Please

Also

Now

Although


ClichésClichés

SlangSlang

JargonJargon

RedundantWords

RedundantWords FillersFillers

NeedlessAdverbs

NeedlessAdverbs

OutdatedExpressions

OutdatedExpressions

LongLead-Ins

LongLead-Ins

WordyPrepositional

Phrases

WordyPrepositional

Phrases

ConciseConciseWritingWriting

EliminatesEliminates

ConciseConciseWritingWriting

EliminatesEliminates


Wordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this

We don’t as a general rule cash personal checks.

Students in very few instances receive parking tickets.

She calls meetings on a monthly basis.

Try this

We don’t generally cash personal checks.

Students seldom get parking tickets.

She calls monthly meetings.


Long Lead-InsLong Lead-InsLong Lead-InsLong Lead-Ins

Instead of this

This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today.

I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.

Try this

All employees meet today.

Thanks to everyone who voted.


Outdated ExpressionsOutdated ExpressionsOutdated ExpressionsOutdated Expressions

Outdated

as per your request

pursuant to your request

attached hereunto

under separate cover

Modern

at your request

at your request

attached

separately


Needless AdverbsNeedless AdverbsNeedless AdverbsNeedless Adverbs

To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, and actually.

Try this

The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.

Instead of this

The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.


FillersFillersFillersFillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space.

Instead of this

There are two employees who should be promoted.

It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored.

Try this

Two employees should be promoted.

Lisa and Jeff were honored.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences to avoid a long lead-ins, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.

We will probably finish in two weeks.

This e-mail message is to inform you that in all probability we will actually finish in two weeks.

There are many brokers who are quite certain that these stocks are completely safe.

Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences to achieve conciseness.

As you requested, two contracts are attached.

Pursuant to your request, there are two contracts that are attached hereto.

All employees are hereby informed that as a general rule computers may not be used for activities that are personal.

Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.


Redundant WordsRedundant WordsRedundant WordsRedundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?

advance warning

close proximity

exactly identical

filled to capacity

final outcome

necessary requisite

new beginning

past history

refer back

serious danger


JargonJargonJargonJargon

Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.

Computer jargon

queue

export

bandwidth

Alternative language

list of documents waiting to be printed

transfer data from one program to another

Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?


SlangSlangSlangSlang

Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

to “bag on”

clueless

turkey

chill/chill out

to tease, to nag, or to complain

unaware, naïve

someone stupid or silly

relax


SlangSlangSlangSlang

An example from the world of Dilbert:


ClichésClichésClichésClichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.

Instead of this

Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.

We had reached the end of our rope.

Try this

Finally, you should work diligently.

We could go no further.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.

Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.

Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.

Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.

Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case.

With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked.

With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.


IncludesVivid

Adjectives

IncludesVivid

Adjectives

UsesConcrete

Nouns

UsesConcrete

Nouns

Avoids WordyVerb/Noun

Conversions

Avoids WordyVerb/Noun

Conversions

UsesPreciseVerbs

UsesPreciseVerbs

The BestThe BestBusinessBusinessWritingWriting

The BestThe BestBusinessBusinessWritingWriting


Precise VerbsPrecise VerbsPrecise VerbsPrecise Verbs

Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.

Market researchers forecasted improved sales.Market researchers promised improved sales.Market researchers predicted improved sales.

Market researchers said that sales would improve.

What more precise verbs could replace said?


Please contact theirsales rep today.

What more precise verbs could replace contact?

Please telephone their sales rep today.Please fax their sales rep today.Please e-mal their sales rep today.


Buried VerbsBuried VerbsBuried VerbsBuried Verbs

Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and

forcefully converted to verbs?

Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and

forcefully converted to verbs?

Tip


Instead of thisThe manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.

A job seeker must make application before May 1.

Try thisThe manager realized that telecommuting made sense.

A job seeker must apply before May 1.


Instead of thisOnce we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow.

Please give serious consideration to a company intranet.

Try this

Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow.

Please seriously consider a company intranet.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences by using more precise verbs or by centering the action in a verb.

The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax] you.

We must encourage our team.

The seller said he would contact you.

We must give encourage-ment to our team.

Consumers show a preference for buttered popcorn.

Consumers prefer buttered popcorn.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences centering the action in the verb.

Please assess the home's value.

Please make an assessment of the home's value.

Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee.

Ann suggested that we hire Lee.


Concrete NounsConcrete NounsConcrete NounsConcrete Nouns

Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.

Instead of this

The man asked for a raise.

An employee presented a proposal.

Try this

Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increasey.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hour.


Vivid AdjectivesVivid AdjectivesVivid AdjectivesVivid Adjectives

Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.

Instead of this

The report was good.

The report was bad.

Try thisThe report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough).

Possible revisions?


What to Watch for What to Watch for in Proofreadingin Proofreading

What to Watch for What to Watch for in Proofreadingin Proofreading

Spelling

Grammar

Punctuation

Names and numbers

Format


Proofreading Marks



How to Proofread How to Proofread Complex DocumentsComplex Documents

Allow adequate time. Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for

grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed.


For documents that must be perfect:

Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.

Spell names. Spell difficult words. Note capitalization. Note punctuation.