Ah Beng's Business Venture There were 4 Ah Bengs. They decided to start a business. They decided to start a n auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipment and manpower. The 4 Ah Bengs waited that day for the car to arrive but no car entered their garag e. They waited for 1 day,2 days, a week for the car to arrive but no car came to th eir garage. WHY? Because their garage was on the second floor. After this failure they decided to try good old taxi driving. They bought a new London Cab & began to look for passengers. They drove past Orchard Road but nobo dy hailed their taxi. They went to Changi Airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to Serangoon Road, even nobody hailed their taxi.In desperation they kept on driving all around Singapore but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ? Because all the four Ah bengs were sitting in the taxi. After the 4 Ah Bengs were very disappointed with their fate & decided to push th eir taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They push the whole day & were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for a while & started to push again. The taxi just wouldn't move. WHY? Because 2 Ah Bengs were pushing the front & 2 from behind.

Ah Beng's Job Interview Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng' s colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!" Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!" "The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black". Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and the n I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? A iyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?" Ah Beng got the job.

Ah Beng Hot Shot During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng wer e caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese we re afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in t he confusion. The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng s houted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng m ade his escape. Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captai n commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Agai n, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape. Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the ti ming right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to h imself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..." "Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself. "Aim..." "Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Ah Beng: All Wet Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot wa s trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, h e started to panic and started to shout for help. Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attemp t was made by anybody to save that poor chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this he ro couldn't swim ! Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered ! Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "St eady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted. The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

Ah beng was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 This is what he came up with 1 fine day I go 2 climb up a 3 bed-room apartment to peep. After being seen by t he couple in the room, I got panic and had a great 4. The man rushed out and had a 5 with me. I run away to 6 for help. End up running into 7 eleven, I grab som e 8 and throw at him and pull out a 9 to stab at him. And 10 hor ...10 hor... 10 .... he die lor.. continuation of the story.... .....and 10 hor .....10 hor .... I put the 9 back on the shelf and pay for 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day I 'kor' my boss to say I am 6. He say 5. Tomorrow also don need to come back 4 work. He also say go climb a 3 and jump. I don understan d. I nice 2 him but I don know what he 1?

Beng's Communication Dear Ah Beng, I am a Filipina maid. My Sir and Mum always want me to clean the windows of thei r 12th storey flat. There is no way to clean the outside other than leaning out the window.

It is very dangerous and I am very scared of falling out. But my Sir and Mum get very angry if I don't. What can I do? Defenestrata Ah Beng replies........ Dear Defenestrata, Wah, damn chia lat. Acherly, I also don'ch know why Singaporeans want to clean t heir windows. Maybe you can persuade your Sir or Mum that leaving the windows di rty is a good thing. If windows dirty, then can walk around the flat naked, mah. If clean-clean, then some kaypoh neighbour sure kao peh kao bu, then you kena s aman. But then, depending on what your Sir or Mum look like, maybe the sight of them naked might make you jump voluntarily. You maybe also want to tie yourself tight-tight to something solid if you have t o lean out. Of course, you could always break the windows. Then got nothing to c lean, mah. But then, it makes it easier for your Sir or Mum to throw you out. Ai yah, why not just run away and come work for us at Geylang Lorong 69? At least h ere, the Sirs pay you for the extra service. ! Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, Beng ah Beng, I also want to be an Ah Beng. Everyday sit kopi tiam, put leg on c hair, smoke and drink. Some more always hang out in shopping centre, got char bo r. Most important, no need to study. Can tell me which gang to join? If you tell me, I sure get all my kakis to join. Recruit Ah Beng replies... Dear Recruit, Nin nao hiah! You think be Ah Beng so easy, ah? Must study one, you know! Got a lot of rules. You think you can anyhow go Queensway and get tattoo, ah? Wait you get the wrong tattoo, and some other gang see you, sure kena hoot upside down! And what, you think so easy grow long last fingernail? Got regulation one, leh! We use it to dig ear... if too long or sharp, can burst your eardrum! And what, you think we just KLKK around the shopping centre cho boh lan and sian char bor? You think char bor attracted to Ah Bengs, ah? Acherly, they are our a ccomplices, and we are all there to shoplift or kuah chui (keep a lookout)! You think be Ah Beng is hobby, is it? It's a profession! My gang is earning so much revenue, ! heard Singapore Technologies also wants to form a GLG (government-linked gang) to come into the market. So join a gang onl y if you're serious. In fact, join a gang only if your studies are damn tok kong . We do'wan any old samseng nowsaday, leh! You just want to relac one corner in a kopi tiam, then be a kopi kiah. So once you wake up your idea, you can come down to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69 for an interview with us at the Chap Sar Tiam Sec ret Society. Bring your 'O' Level cert.

Ah Beng

New Work's Rules This is guarantee to improve the economy and push Singapore into the new millenn ium. These rules will first be implemented in the Civil Service on 1st of Jan 20 00 and will be encouraged in the private sector. NTUC union workers greatly welc ome these changes as it will help more Singaporeans to achieved the new 7 Cs. WORK RULES SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the d octor, you are able to come to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We w ish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, a nd you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral se rvices to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour ear ly, provided all your work is up to date. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instan ce, those with surnames beginning with 'A' will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing wo rse will happen to you the rest of the day. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9. Rule 9 & 10 are classical rules that will never change but we are glad now we ha ve officially put it down in writing.

Ah Beng's Letterbox Dear Ah Beng, My son really, really wants an Internet-ready multimedia computer for Christmas. But my husband just got retrenched, and we can't afford to give him one. I really hate to disappoint my son, and I realise nowadays kids need them to get ahead in school. Can you help? Mudder

Dear Mudder, Just give the little bugger some porno magazine or tapes for Christmas. It's what he really wants to use the Internet-ready computer for anyway. Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, You know ah, all my friends say, my daughter go out with ang mor very good, very high class. Then next time I can visit America and stay in their big house. The problem is, the ang mor say ah, wedding the girl's family must pay for everythi ng you know. Like that very loo gee for me you know. I invest so much money in my daughter th en wedding still got to pay. How like that? You think I should let her marry the ang mor or not? Jin Kiam Siap Dear Kiam Siap, Don't worry about the wedding. You must think long term. In America, they have t his very good thing called the divorce settlement. After your daughter marries h im, half of what he owns belongs to her. So you will get half of his big house, his car, and everything else. So if he wants you to pay for the wedding, say can. Then you and daughter just n eed to wait a few years, then she can divorce him and you can collect money alre ady. Repeat as many times as you need until you get enough for your retirement. Good Luck! Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, My husband is t, because he So he refuses eese, he will Kiam Siap

driving me mad! He always buys the most cheapo brands on the marke says people are conned into paying extra for the name. to buy Lux soap, he must buy 'Smell OK' brand. Instead of Kraft ch buy Gu Neh-Neh brand. How?

Dear Kiam Siap, Your husband is not entirely wrong, but it looks like he's going a bit far. You just have to show him that sometimes, you do get what you pay for. You ask me hor, the fastest way to make the point is to switch your current bran d of toilet paper to 'Durian' brand($3 for 100 rolls). He won't dare to be sting y again! Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, Got this creepy guy hor, come and approach me when I was sitting at Burger King and say he would give me $100,000 if I go and kill his wife leh. I think it's no t a very nice thing to do, but then, I donno his wife, and the money is si beh s olid. How? Should I do it? Teenager Dear Teenager, I never understand why people want to kill their wife. Si beh leceh one. If you not happy with your marriage is very simpur one. Just go Geylang and find some G

RO in a KTV lounge, and everything is gau timm. But I agree, $100,000 is a lot o f money. I have a better suggestion. Why don't you go and tell his wife about it, then as k how much she wants for you to kill him? After all he sounds like an asshole. I f he finds out, then up the price. And say if he doesn't pay, you'll tell the po lice. Simpur-simpur, and you don't have to kill anybody. Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, I have been conducting this internet relationship with this girl for the past fe w months. I really, really like her and look forward to our chats a lot. Recentl y, I asked for her photo, but she din'ch wan to give me, saying why are looks im portant? The most important thing is we get along so well. What she says makes sense, but why do I still feel like I need to know what she looks like? Showmeleh Dear Showmeleh, People always say that on the internet hor, is when people are the most honest, when they no need to be concerned about their looks lah, their income lah, all t hese surface things. I agree. So I will also be very honest with you: your frien d is not giving you her photo probably because she is either si beh argly or a m an. Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, Every year, my wife wants to throw a Christmas party. I'm really not in the mood to spend another stupid year making small talk with her stupid friends, spendin g money on some stupid ang-mor bird that tastes like substandard chicken. And dumb decorations that make my house look like a log cake. How do I get her t o stop this irritating tradition in a polite and non-confrontational way? Hubby Dear Hubby, Just ask her whether you can invite some friends to her party, and then call som e char bors from Geylang Lorong 69 to come over. She will bao want to stop the p arty, but you may just want to keep going. Especially since the birds will taste much better this year. Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng, Ok, this one is a short question. Ah Beng Kor Kor, do you have girl friend or no t? If not, leave me SMS message OK? 97965818. Dreaming of you, Ah Lien Mei Mei Dear Ah Lien Mei Mei, I always say that girlfriends are like durian biji - you can't have only one. Al so, girls who are proficient in communications technology are si beh appealing. (We Ah Bengs always like to call girls, lah!) Call you soon! Ah Beng

Ah Beng's FutureCard The multi-purpose FutureCard will be the version of our perpetually metamorphosi ng IC in the near future. With an embedded smart chip, it can also be used as a passport, store our medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library...what ever you do with the card...you will be tracked! It may also be a tracking device via GPRS (Good or Bad, depending the situation) . However, a recent debate has brought to light the questionable control on acce ss, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future... Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut Geylang. May I have your..." Customer: "Haloo, arh...can I orler huh..." Operator : "Can I have your Future Card number first, Sir?" Customer: "It's arh..., hold on prease, arh..... S6102-0499-54610FC" Operator : "OK... you're... Tan Ah Beng alias 'Or Kwee Tao' and you're calling f rom 17-D Lorong 14, Geylang. Your home number is 6782 8828, your office 6782 883 8 and your mobile is 96828848. Which number are you calling from now Sir? Customer: "Home lah! Wah Lan...How you get all my phone lumbers, arh?" Operator : "We are connected to the 'FutureCard' system Sir" Customer: "OK lah, okay lah...Can I orler your Seafood Pisar..." Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir" Customer: "Why....Cannot arh?" Operator : "According to your latest medical records, you have high blood pressu re and even higher cholesterol level Sir" Customer: "What?...Wah Lan!....medical lecords also hab... you lecommend lah?" Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it" Customer: "Wah...How you know I like Hokkien mee, arh?" Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the Natio nal Library last week Sir" Customer: "OK...OK...Buay Ta Han liow... I give up... Gif me three family sized ones then, how much arh? Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $45.. ." Customer: "I pay by FutureCard...Can or Not ?" Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over th e limit and you're owing your bank $6720.55- since October last year" Customer: "Karn Nee Neh!... Everything also know...chiat lat!" Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan S ir. Customer: "Okay lah...I run to ATM and withdraw some cash before you come my hou se lor" Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today....with the latest withdrawal of $250 for 4D and TO TO at 2.46pm" Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I borrow money from my Ah Mah. How l ong arh?" Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...it'll be ready in 15 mins and you are only 5 min s away" Customer: "Where got transport?" Operator : "According to the details in your FutureCard", you own a Honda Scoote r, ...registration number FE 3288..." Customer: "Karn Nee Neh!" Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?" Customer: [Speechless and calms down after being reminded of the brush with the

law] Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?" Customer: "Nothing... by the way... still got stock of that 3 free bottles of co la as advertised or not?" Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabeti c....... " Customer : [ Heard cursing away as he slams down the phone and telling his famil y he is going to the Hawker Centre to 'Tar Pow' ]

Broken Lift SENG, Beng, and Heng were at a convention together and were sharing a large suit e at the top of a 75-storey skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the lifts in the ho tel had broken down and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Seng said to Beng and Heng: 'Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. 'I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Beng can sing songs for 25 flights, and Hen g can tell sad stories the rest of the way.' At the 26th floor, Seng stopped telling jokes and Beng began to sing. At the 51st floor, Beng stopped singing and Heng began to tell sad stories. 'I will tell my saddest story first,' he said. 'I left the room key in the car!'

Now That's What I Call Guts Ministers from USA, UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruis ing near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were when t heir cordial discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers. The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Co lonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark inf ested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like ma d! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!". The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his General and sa id "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark inf ested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him franti cally. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!" The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show that his

soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around this ship!" The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) izzit?" I juz bought my 4-room and I a m paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die, eh? If u want to hao l ian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself! The Singapore PM smiled and said "Now,that's what I call guts!".

Where are you from? Man : Woman Man : Woman Man : Woman Man : Where are you from? : U.S.A Are you here on vacation? : No lah! I'm here for lunch. What!!! All the way from United States of America!!! : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue. !!@#$%

18 Friends Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

Colour TV Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop. Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?" Salesgirl : "Yes !" Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

Expected Salary Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question . After much thought, he writes " Yes "

Thermos Flask

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object. Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?" Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask." Ah Beng : "What does it do ?" Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" Ah Beng : "I'll buy it" The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermos flask Boss : "What is that shiny object ?" Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask." Boss : "What does it do ?" Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" Boss : "What do you have in it !?" Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream" Photocopy Mistakes After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the origi nal for spelling mistakes.

Famous Photos Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is b eing taken. 911 Why can't Ah Beng dial 911? Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Instant Help Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for suppor t. Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour an d still nobody come and help me ah?!" Red Ears Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironi ng a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I acci dentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to the oth er ear ?" Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

Time Difference

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator. Ah Beng: "Could you tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?" Operator: "Just a minute..." Ah Beng : "Thank you lah" and puts down the phone.

Jigsaw Puzzle After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Be ng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me only 5 months to do it", Ah Beng brags. "Five months? That's too long", the friend exclaims. "You are a fool" Ah Beng replies, "See this on the box, it is written "For 4-7 Y ears".

Lucky Ah! One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw somethi ng in their path. "Wait!" cried Ah Beng. "Wat is tat huh?" "Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. "Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely. "Eee look like shit lah!" say Ah Beng. "Hmmm..... smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe. Ah Beng then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said,"Tastes like shit!" Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to li ck. With confidence, he said, "Confirm is shit!" Then they smiled at each other, "WAH! Lucky we didn't step on it."

Fastest Father Three boys are in the school's yard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a hunter. He can s hoot his gun and gets there before the bullet." The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. He then says, "You t wo know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops work at 5pm a nd he is home by 4:15pm."